My Path to Real Freedom

I was born in the Netherlands, but when I was still quite young, we moved to England. It was a completely different world, and honestly, I always felt a bit out of place, like my inner self didn't quite match what was around me. This was the 70s and 80s, and alcohol was everywhere. My parents drank every night, adults went to the pub for lunch, and every get-together involved drinks. To me it looked like the ultimate grown-up thing, something I was just too young for.

At the age of 12, my parents let me have an occasional sip of wine. I didn't like the taste, but it felt like a secret handshake into adulthood. Over the next few years, I got used to it and started to feel those "effects": less awkward, more confident, like I could connect with people better. It seemed to calm my stress, boost my mood, and just make everything more fun. It felt like a shortcut to feeling good.

During my teenage years my parents' marriage was falling apart, and I still felt like an outsider at school. But there was the pub, "The George and Dragon," where my friends and I, with a beer in hand, felt like we could really be ourselves. It was our sanctuary.

As I got older, alcohol became more and more engrained life. My first heartbreak? Alcohol was the fix. Traveling the world in my gap year? Drinking pretty much every day. Starting university in Scotland where I knew no one? Alcohol was the way to make friends and feel good.

In the early 90s I moved to London for my first proper job. I wanted to be serious, focused. I cut my hair & bought professional clothes. But in London, going to the pub for lunch and after work was just what you did. It was how you connected with colleagues. It was exciting, but slowly, I started noticing the downsides.

Hangovers got worse, and I just felt tired all the time. During the day, there was this low-level anxiety, but by 5 pm, the pub fixed everything. Or so I thought.

My judgment was often off because of drinking, and it led to some real messes. In my mid-twenties, at a party, I got caught up in a whirlwind with an old school friend, Anne. We ended up engaged. My judgment was blurred by alcohol, I was so focused on the idea of stability in my "fizzy" life that I ignored the red flags. Thankfully, a good friend helped me see sense, and I called off the wedding. What a relief! I felt free, but honestly, that freedom often meant just diving back into more "fun times" with friends, fueled by more drinking.

This was my cycle for years in my late twenties. My friends and I started to say, "Something's got to give." The fun was wearing thin, replaced by exhaustion and a desired to find a way out. I tried to cut back to no avail.

Change started subtly. One Sunday, hungover, my friend Iain practically dragged me out for a run. It was hard, but it was new, a step towards investing in myself. Then Iain himself changed. He got healthy, drank less, found a calmer life. Part of me missed our old ways, but his transformation showed me another path was possible.

In 2002, I moved back to London and fell right back into old habits with my old friends. Again, "something had to give." This time, I made a conscious decision: I wanted to be a father, build a healthier life. I met Kristina from Canada. We married in 2003 and moved to Canada for a fresh, healthy reboot. But the trap still had me. On our honeymoon, secretly drinking at my uncle's house, I got very drunk and acted terribly. It was a painful reminder that just changing where I lived wasn't enough.

I became a dad in 2008. Life became more home-focused, but the drinking continued. Then, in 2013, my friend Iain from England told me he'd stopped drinking. He said it was because of a couple of books he'd read that systematically dismantle our subconscious ideas around alcohol - that it provides genuine relaxation, confidence & fun, exposing it for what it really is: a depressant, a highly addictive poison, and a trap that causes ongoing stress, anxiety, and regret.

Quitting was a true escape, a liberation. The only real hurdle wasn't craving alcohol, but a fear of what life might be like without it. Once I understood these things, the fear melted away. I didn't think of myself as "quitting," but as a happy non-drinker from day one.

That newfound clarity was amazing, a profound "awakening" and it showed me something deeper: true, lasting freedom isn't just about stopping drinking, it's about being authentic & having proper self-belief without falling back into old traps.

My journey—from feeling out of place, to being caught in the alcohol trap, to finally figuring out how to break free—is why I'm creating STILL. It's a way to offer others the clear thinking, empathy, and constant support I wish I had. STILL will help you see through the illusions of the alcohol trap, not by forcing yourself to stop, but by helping you to truly understand how to Escape the Alcohol Trap for Good, without Willpower.